Be still

I'm sorry I haven't written anything in a long time. This time though, I do have a fairly good excuse. I had laser eye surgery over a month ago, so I wasn't allowed to overstimulate my eyes for the last bit of time with bright lights; this of course includes computers. Now what have I been doing during my recovery time? The truth is, not much. Especially for the first week, there were a lot of restrictions. Basically, I wasn't allowed to do anything I normally enjoy doing, including exercise, read books, use the computer, bake... I couldn't even go outside as the UV light was too dangerous for my sensitive eyes. Now I've always been a woman on the move. I'm always busy with things to do, places to be, people to see. So being forced to spend an entire week at home doing absolutely nothing was excruciating. So what did I end up doing you ask? A lot of cleaning! I have to admit, my room has never been cleaner. Of course, I also spent a lot of time listening to podcasts from various churches and I had a lot of time to pray. I prayed a lot for my friends, for my family, for the future, for faith and growth, and for changes. 2011 has not been an easy year. Life did not pan out the way I had hoped for. Many plans had fallen apart and many hopes have been dashed. Now I am at a period of my life where I am faced with even more decisions to make and more situations to come to term with. I guess this is all part of growing up. And frankly, I am a little scared. I'm scared of making mistakes, I'm scared of hurting people, and I'm scared of living in regret, and I'm scared of what the future holds.

But as I kneel on my bed in prayers, I was reminded over and over of the same verse:

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)

It is such a simple verse, yet, it is profound. A lot of times, we are like a hamster stuck on a wheel, we just keep on running, but we are going nowhere. We exert all these efforts trying to do all these things and trying to solve all these problems, but things often get worse, not better. Then we run faster and work harder trying to solve the issue, and we are stuck in a perpetual cycle of going no where. I am reminded that it's time to jump off the hamster wheel, it's time to be still before Him, it's time to just wait and see what happens. Sometimes, we just need to hit the pause button and let God do what God does. We need to relax and trust that He is God, not only that, He is a loving God who has our best interest at heart. Then whatever happens next happens, but no matter what, His name will be exalted!

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Haiti Experience Part 7 - the ending

This is my last blog about Haiti, it actually wasn't too hard deciding what to share on this blog. Ever since I got back, one question I've gotten the most often is, "if you have to summarize your experience in Haiti in one sentence, what would it be?" For me, it was something NWHCM director Janeil once said, it is experiencing the abundance of life in a place lacking abundance.

Haiti is an amazing place with amazing people, but it's by no means an easy place to live. We were all so spoiled by the luxuries we had at home that it was hard to adapt to a place that only provided the essentials. Yet, it is in a place lacking the abundance that I've experienced abundant life. Jesus said before:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." (John 10:10)

I have heard of this verse many times, but I have to admit, before this trip, I've never understood what Jesus meant by abundant life. I didn't know what an abundant life meant, nor did I know how it felt to live an abundant life. Most of us live day by day filling our days with things we cared about. It could be work, family,  serving in church, friends, volunteering, sports... Don't get me wrong, these are all good things to fill our life with, but most of us pack our schedule so tightly with the things we care about that we lose the joy in doing these things. Is this what abundant life is all about? Packing our schedule as tightly as we can, doing as much as we can?

We've all had the experience of over scheduling ourselves with too many commitments. When this happens, we lose purpose in why we do the things we do. I'll be the first to admit that I've had the experience of spending time with a friend, but only to be distracted by the millions of things I needed to do in my mind. I mean, what's the point of spending time with a friend when we are only present physically, but not emotionally or mentally? When we meet up with a friend, we are there to share and to spend quality time together. But sometimes we become so consumed with our plans that we forget why we met up with a friend in the first place. In other words, sometimes we are so obsessed with doing as much as we can that we forget why we are doing something in the first place. Then over time as we spread ourselves thinly, we begin to lose sight of the important things and we begin to forget our purpose in life. This happens so easily that sometimes we don't even realize that it's happening. Then we become so burned out with the things we need to do that we can no longer find joy in doing them. It's especially times like this that we need to come before God and renew ourselves. It's times like this that we need to refocus our life and our energy.

For me, Haiti was a place of renewal and a place of rejuvenation. I think all of us went to Haiti leaving our baggages behind at home. Whether they are our troubles or burdens, pains or worries, they were all left behind. Life wasn't about packing schedules or trying to get things done, it was about serving God and serving the people God placed in our path. In Haiti, there was only one purpose and one goal, it is to live out the love of God. We were no longer distracted by our own worries, but we can concentrate on what we are called to do wholeheartely. When our gaze shift away from our own troubles onto the more important things, it is then that we can experience God's presence vividly and witness God's work at hand. This is a lesson I needed to learn, and it's a lesson I'm struggling with in my life back at home.

The mission statement of NWHCM is "Rescue, Restore, Redeem". Rescue is rescuing the oppressed by providing medical care to the poor, food to the hungry, and orphan care to the abandoned. Restore is restoring hope by running schools and organizing sustainable community development programs in needy areas. Redeem is redeeming God's people by planting churches, developing indigenous church leaders, and training effective Haitian ministers. I think this mission statement really encapsulate what NWHCM is all about. But for me personally, this trip was more than rescue, restore, and redeem, it was also a renewal for my spirit and a reminder for me of the more important things in life. I guess this lead back to my original question, what is abundant life? To me, abundant life is a purpose driven and meaningful life with God.

To end this post, I just want to say I am so thankful to be a part of this mission team, I am so thankful for all that I've learned and experienced. I know I titled this blog "the ending", but for me, this is really just the beginning, the beginning of many awesome life changing experiences with my Savior.

Haiti Experience Part 6 - Simple Joy

I think this will be my second last blog about Haiti. I've just realized that I have so much to say about Haiti that this could turn into an hundred part series if I wanted it to. Of course, I don't think anybody will want me to continue rambling on and on about Haiti, so I will end this series with just two more blogs. This second last blog is about the biggest lesson I learned in Haiti, the lesson on simple joy. 

My favorite memory in Haiti is an event that happened in the recovery room. My favorite patient Michael said to our interpreter that his skin is itchy because it's so dry. One of my team mates happened to have a little bottle of lotion with her that day. So she took out that little bottle of lotion and squirted some into this young man's hand. Then she continued putting lotion into each patients' hands, both young and old, male and female. All the patients had such a joy on their face as they rubbed the lotion into their skin on their face and body. The women rubbed the lotion into their baby's skin, the elderly man rubbed the lotion on his legs and foot... Everyone had such a joyous smile on their face as their smelt the lotion and felt the smoothness of their skin. The smile on their face was so big that you'd think they won a house or something. But all it took as that little bit of lotion to bring that much joy on their face.  

One of the sweet happy kids at the orphanage.

As I sat there watching this whole event fold into place, I couldn't help but wonder how much it would take for us to feel that much joy. I mean, as North Americans, we are blessed with so many material things. We have things most Haitian can't even imagine. I remember talking to one of my interpreter about running hot water coming out of the faucet the other day, and he could not understand that concept. It was hard for him to comprehend why there would be hot water coming out of the faucet. He asked me so many questions, why would there be hot water coming out, what heats up the water, how is the hot water separated from the cold water... For us, it's something we all take for granted, something that every house is equipped with, but in Haiti, this was something beyond imagination. Because we are blessed with so much, we all take so much for granted. We stop appreciating the little things in life  because we've had them all our life. A little squirt of lotion would not bring us the amount of joy Haitians experienced. Most of us probably have bottles and bottles of unopened lotion just on our counter. Now we need the Coach, Chanel, BMWs, Benz, expensive condos, caviars to experience that same amount of joy. For some people, even these won't bring them joy because they've became complacent to these as well. It's true what they say, the more we have, the less joy we experience. We stopped appreciating the little things in life, we want more and more, and it takes more and more for us to rejoice. In 1 Thessalonians, Paul reminded us to

"Rejoice always," (1 Thessalonians 5:16)

It's probably one of the shortest verses in the bible, yet it is one of the most challenging verse to obey. I mean, how do we rejoice always when we've stop noticing just how much we are blessed with? Sometimes, it takes a story like this to remind me how much there is to rejoice and be thankful about. It's learning from the Haitians to see and appreciate the little things in life. It's about making that effort to pay attention to what's around us. In other words, it's learning to "stop and smell the roses". One of my favorite Haitian proverb is

Le poul bwe dlo, li pa bliye Bondye.
When the chicken drinks water, she doesn't forget God.

When the chicken drinks water, she has to raise her head and look up into the sky  in order to swallow. What it means is to remember to be thankful even in times of plenty. I think for us North Americans, this is a very fitting proverb. We need to learn to find joy in the little things, and to give thanks for the little things.

Haiti experience Part 5 - Sharing is Caring

I've been back from Haiti for over 3 weeks now, I have to say, I miss it terribly. I can honestly say I miss the people there, especially the kids. The Haitians have taught me so much, they taught me the importance of community, they taught me how to care for others, but most of all, they taught me what it means to share.

Growing up, each one of us is taught to share. Our parents taught us to share our food or our toys with other kids, our teachers taught us to share our supplies with others, even at work, we are taught to share resources with each other. I think most of us do okay. I mean, we tithe at church, give to the poor, donate things we don't need... and if someone we know needs food or clothing, most of us would chip in. If there is a catastrophe happening somewhere in the world, we open our wallet and give. For us, it is easy to share because we have abundance. It is easy to give others food when our pantry is overstocked with supplies, or to give others clothes when our closet is overflowing with clothing, but what happens when we live with limited resources? Would any of us be so willing to give then?

I wanted to share with you a beautiful story one of my team mate shared with me. On her last trip, she had given out all her lollipop and she had only one left. So she gave this lollipop to one of the kids on the street. The little boy's eyes lit up when he received the lollipop. For kids in our country, we probably won't get the same reaction when they receive a lollipop. But in a country where you barely get enough food to eat, a lollipop to a little kid is such a treat. Anyways, this little boy, instead of putting the candy in his pocket and hiding it from his friends, he brought the lollipop back to his group. Then he opened the wrapper, took one lick, passed it on to his friend beside him. Then his friend took a lick and gave it to the boy beside him. In between about 20 boys, this tiny lollipop went around and around until it disappeared. Now from a nursing perspective, it is not very hygienic, but from a humane perspective, isn't it just the most beautiful story? While these little boys shared this lollipop, they stood together laughing and talking. The little boy who shared his treat, he had the biggest smile on his face. No one forced this little boy to share his only treat, but he did it out of his heart. It says in 2 Corinthians,

"Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Corinthians 9:7)

What's a better illustration of this verse than this story?

One of my favorite stories from the bible is the story of the widow's offering. When Jesus was outside the church one day, he saw rich people putting money in the treasury. Then He saw a poor widow putting in two very small copper coins. Then Jesus said:

" 'I tell you the truth,' he said, 'this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people give their gifts out of their wealth, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.' " (Luke 21:3-4)  

I know Jesus was talking about giving to the treasury in this particular case, but isn't that what sharing is about? It's not about giving out of abundance, it's about giving despite of scarcity.

The other story I wanted to share with you is an event I witnessed myself in the recovery room. A man in the recovery room needed to go back to surgery, so he was not allowed to eat or drink that day in order to avoid complications in the OR. Anyways, so he laid on the bed moaning to himself. He kept saying, I'm hungry, I'm hungry. Now in the bed beside him is a woman who recently had a mastectomy. It was obvious that she is not well off, her shirt had holes in it and her hair was messy. She didn't have a lot of family visiting her, so she stored a small pot of Haitian rice under the bed for herself to eat while she is recovering from surgery. But when she heard the man next to her saying that he is hungry, she took out the container of Haitian rice and tried to feed him. I mean that was her week worth of food, yet here she was trying to give all that she had to a man she didn't even know. When we tried to stop her, she looked at me and said, "but he is hungry". To me, that was amazing. I kept thinking that if I was in that situation, what I would do. Would I be so willing to share my small amount of food with a man I didn't know when there is barely enough to eat for me? I'm ashamed to say, but I'm not so sure I would. I hope one day I can confidently say yes to this question. For now, I am learning from the people who have taught me what it means to share their all.

Haiti experience part 4 - Nursing in Haiti

Ever since I got back from Haiti, a lot of my coworkers has asked me what it is like to be a nurse in Haiti. My answer has always been, nursing in Haiti is nothing like nursing in Canada that's for sure. First of all, the equipments we used were like from dinosaur age. Before this trip, I've never seen a glass Pleurovac jar, or old metal suctions that shake so violently when it's on that it looks like it would explode any minute, or gigantic oxygen tanks that takes two people to roll in and out... But here in Haiti, we have them all. We definitely don't have the same luxury as health care professionals in North America. Everything was valuable and precious in Haiti. Everything that can be reduced, reused, and recycled are in fact, reduced, reused, and recycled. Coming from a society that wastes tons and tons of medical supply for safety purposes, this was hard to get use to, yet refreshing at the same time. The few things we did have in Haiti, they broken down frequently. I don't know how many times our "maintenance guy Jeff" had to fix the old suctions we had. By the end of the trip, it was no longer surprising to see a needle that retract because it's stuck to the plunger, or to turn on the suction that shakes violently but doesn't suck, or to tape the back of OR gowns with tape because the velcros on the gowns have melted...

Every time something broke or malfunctioned in Haiti, we would fondly say, hey, we are in Haiti, nothing is surprising, we need to do things Haitian style. Then we would pick up where we left off and come up with  creative ways to make things work. It's amazing how inventive we got with the things we had. We learned to be flexible, adaptive, and easygoing. Although we didn't have the best equipments, it really was medical care at its best.

Our humble little recovery room

In two weeks, we did 98 surgeries in the operating room, and a bunch of minor surgeries in the minor room. Majority of the surgeries went well, but of course, we were not without loss. Our very first patient was a patient who needed intensive debridement on her leg. She told us that she was chopping wood with her father over a year ago when a tree fell on her leg. This incident caused a cut on her leg. It wasn't a severe cut, but she didn't have any money to go to the hospital to get it treated. Then she developed a severe infection in the cut which result in necrotic tissue all the way from her shin to her thigh. The infection raged into her blood stream and she was quite sick when she came to us. Looking at her wound, I was in disbelief. I mean, something like this wouldn't happen in Canada. People with a minor cut would come to the hospital and get adequate treatment. It would never reach to the point where we would need to do extensive debridement. Anyways, after the debridement, we had to take her back to the OR to get her leg amputated. Then few days after the surgery, her hemoglobin dropped quite significantly. Of course in Haiti, there is no such thing as blood bank, so my team mates with the same blood type rolled up their sleeves and donated their blood. As I helped to agitate the bags of blood to prevent the blood cells from clotting. and watching the blood pouring out from my team mate's body, I kept thinking just how beautiful this is. God gave us the commandment to serve others, and to me, this was true service. It was ordinary people placing other people's needs before their own. I wish I had a better ending to this story, but unfortunately I don't. In the middle of the blood transfusion, our beloved patient passed away.  

We all struggled with the loss and we shed tears for our her. Quite a few of the medical staffs have grown quite close to her. For me though, I didn't know her. I've only met her briefly before she was given anesthetics on the OR table. I cried because I felt defeated. I think as medical professionals, we pride ourselves in saving lives. We are always fighting death trying to keep patients alive. But we forget that ultimately, it's not us that's in control, it's God. As I cried and prayed, feeling depleted and defeated, God reminded me that although it may be a defeat for me, it is a victory for Him. This lady had accepted Christ few days before she passed away. She had said that she was thankful she came to the clinic because if she hasn't, she wouldn't have known Christ. So although we couldn't do anything for her physically, she did find peace in Christ and for that, I am thankful. The verse I was reminded was,

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." Psalm 127:1

The other story I wanted to share about my nursing experience in Haiti are the kids waiting for surgery. As a circulating nurse, I had the "glorious" job of taking kids into the OR onto the OR table. I expected screaming, kicking, punching, like the kids in North America. But I was pleasantly surprised. Here we are, a bunch of foreigners leading these kids away from their parents into this mysterious room they've never seen before, yet these kids showed calmness, trust, and bravery. When I walk into the preop room, all the kids look at me with these big round fearful eyes. But when I smile at them, they all break into these big beautiful smiles. Then when I give them my hand to take them into the OR room, they hold onto my hand so tight with so much trust. Their maturity and their bravery never cease to amazed me.

One of our brave little ones

One of my favorite memories of the trip involves a little boy who needed a nephrectomy. For some reason I just had such a soft spot for this little boy with the most amazing wide smile. So after we finished in the OR, I went to the recovery room to see him. There was no family members by his bedside. He looked so small and fragile lying on this big bed all by himself. I sat next to him and held his little hands. He opened his eyes and looked at me, then he give me his million dollar smile. Then he reached up and put his hand on my face, pulled me close and hugged me. It was a precious moment that I hope I never forget.

Haiti Experience part 3 - Promises

Our long term missionary Melonnie shared with us her favorite Haitian proverb the other day.

Sa ki fe pwomes bliye, sa k'ap espere sonje.
Those who make promises forget, those who are hoping remembers. 

This has become one of my favorite verses too because of how much truth it rings. We live in a society where we make many promises, but keep few. It's true what they say, promises are easy to make, but hard to keep. It's not that we break promises on purpose, they often just slip our mind because of how busy we get. I mean, how many times have we promise a friend that we'll pray for him, but didn't make time to pray? Or we promise to call someone and were just too busy to call? Or we promise to meet up with a friend we haven't seen for a long time, but the date just get pushed back one week after another? We've all done it, many many times. Why? Because we are human, because we are not perfect.

On the other hand, we've all been on the receiving end of this spectrum. I mean, we've all been disappointed by broken promises made to us. We all know how it feel like to look forward to something and only be disheartened because it didn't happen. Then over time, it snowballs into distrust. Why do broken promises hurt? Because we have placed our hope and joy in the fulfillment of those promises. The truth is, we depend on promises, but they are easily made, and easily broken.

I wanted to share about promises because this topic is especially pertinent in Haiti. Haitians are no different from us, they place their hope in promises the same way we do. Actually, they remember promises made better than we do. I'll give you an example. When we walk outside the campus, we often have little boys come up and talk to us. Sometimes they would ask me my name and they would tell me their names, then they would ask me, "will you remember me"? When I say yes, next time I am outside the campus few days later, that little boy would come and find me. I mean, out of over a hundred of us, he would remember me and he would wait for days for me. Then when he sees me outside the campus, and he would approach me with a big wide smile and he would call me by my name. Then he would ask me what his name is. The little boy would look at me with so much anticipation in his eyes waiting for my answer. Unfortunately, for those of you who know me, you would know that I am horrible with names, especially names in a foreign language, so this is not a game I am good at. Half of the time I would get the name right, and a huge smile would break out on his face and he is radiant with joy. The other half of the time, I would have to tell the boy that I've forgotten.. then there is an obvious look of disappointment on his face, he would repeat his name and ask me to remember him again. Why is it so important that I remember his name? One, because everyone wants to be remembered, and two, because I promised him that I would.

 One of the street boys

Melonnie shared with us that one danger of being a missionary in Haiti is that Haitian often misplace their hope in us, the North Americans. They often think that just because we are there to help that we are the answer to all their problems. They put so much hope in us, in our promises... But we are just people, people who make mistakes, people who break promises, people who are imperfect. But our God is different, He remembers every single promise He has made, not one of them is broken. It says in Numbers,

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" (Numbers 23:19)

This is exactly it. God is not man, He is not like us. He actually remember and keep all His promises! He will not disappoint us! David praised God this way in Psalms,

"Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made." (Psalm 145:13)

Therefore, it was really important that in everything we did in Haiti, we gave glory back to God. We needed Haitians to know that we are just like them, simple people who needed to place our hope in God. Because He alone can provide, He alone can keep all of His promises. We are just broken vessels, called to do His work, to bear fruit. We are just people who are struggling to do good, struggling to live a purposeful life. 

 Sweet boys I met at church

Haiti Experience Part 2 - Heart of Worship

One of my team mate said something during the mission trip that stuck with me the whole time. She said, every time I come to Haiti, I think I'm giving something to the Haitian people, but the truth is, they've given me so much more. It's incredible how true this is. It's funny when I told people around me that I was heading to Haiti for a medical mission trip, the comments I often got were: "wow, it's so amazing that you are doing this", or "you are such a nice person", or "it's so good that you are helping the Haitian people"... After a while, I've even got it stuck in my own head that I'm heading to Haiti to help the people there. Yes, maybe it's true that we as a team helped people physically, but the Haitian people have given me so much more emotionally and spiritually than I could've ever imagined. I've learned so much from them, and I've experienced so much because of them... I've been debating how I want to write my next few Haiti blogs, I think this would be a good start, I think I want to share with you some of the things I learned for Haitians. So here it goes...this is to learning about the true meaning of worship.

On our second day in Haiti, we started the day attending church service with Haitians. The entire service was in Creole, so I didn't understand a word they were saying. Yet, I felt the presence of God is vividly. The Haitians truly understood the meaning of worship. Their worship was simple, they didn't have any of the fancy musical instruments we have. They didn't have power point on the wall or hymn books in their hands. All they had was their voice and a microphone. Yet, everyone sang with such passion and joy, they sang with their whole heart and mind. They sang with undeniable faith and hope. Their voice and their passion shook me from within. It says in Hebrews,

"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire." (Hebrew 12:29-30)

When I think about this verse, the Haitian worship really comes to mind. It is truly an example of worshiping in reverence and in awe. It's funny in North America we have all our fancy equipments and gadgets that we use during our worship time, yet how many people are just mouthing the words along, and their mind is completely preoccupied with something else. We place so much emphasizes on the appearance of our worships and our prayers, but the truth of the matter is, worship is where the heart is. God doesn't care how beautifully we sing or how wonderful the music is, God cares what's in our heart. I mean, isn't that what worship is all about? Praising and singing to the Lord with our all.

 

This is a beautiful picture of an elderly Haitian man heading to church.  

During the church service, we had the opportunity to take kids from the orphanage and kids with disabilities to the service with us. I had next to me Owen, who has severe cerebral palsy. It's hard to tell exactly how much he understood from the service, but what I do know is the joy on his face when the music started. His laughter rang through the music, and he clapped to the rhythm of the songs so hard and with such excitement. It was beautiful to watch him. In Ephesians, Paul reminded us to

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord." (Ephesians 5:19) 

I can't help but wonder if this is what Paul meant. Owen's worship to the Lord really was the most beautiful music, it was music from his heart.

Owen laughing to the music

Few nights after, I had a chance to join in an Haitian devotion. It is a daily worship led by one of our Haitian interpreter in the recovery room after surgery. All the patients and their family members are invited to join. Often, that small recovery room is crowded with people wanting to worship the Lord. This was too a very simple worship, just one guitar. Yet the room shook with their passion. I could feel the holy spirit filling the room, I was so thankful to be a part of it, their music brought tears to my eyes.

Worship in the recovery room one night

The last thing I wanted to share in this blog is my time with a a boy named Michael. He was sweet teenage boy with  a bone infection. One day, I had an opportunity to sit with him just to chat. So we sat on his little bed and he took out his bible and his song book to show me. I pointed to one of the songs in the song book and I asked him to sing it for me. He said okay and he began to sing this beautiful song. He sang the song with such genuine faith, with such burning hope, and with such certainty of his Savior...After he finished, I hugged him and told him he sang the song so beautifully. He smiled at me and said, I sing because I love Jesus! What he said really struck me, yes, isn't this the true heart of worship? To sing and dance with our all because we love Jesus?

Haiti Experience Part 1 - The beginning

I've been back in Vancouver from Haiti for more than a week now. I've been meaning to start blogging, but I've having trouble organizing my thoughts and my words. You would think blogging would be easy since I kept a journal in Haiti, but I've experienced so much in Haiti that I don't even know where to begin. I have to admit, I left Vancouver four weeks ago for Haiti not knowing what to expect. I didn't know where I will be staying, what I will be doing, or how God will use me in Haiti... On the team list I received, all it said beside my name under the team section was miscellaneous. I went in with very little expectations and I was open to anything God wanted to use me in. I just wanted to fill any needs there, so if God needed someone to scrub toilets, I would scrub toilets. I know on a trip like this, no matter what we are doing, God will use us in anyway He can. In the end, I was needed in the operating room, so for majority of the trip, I was a circulating nurse; it was an amazing experience. But before I start writing about nursing in Haiti, let's rewind to the very beginning.

We arrived in the international airport at Port-au-Prince around 9am. We then took a little bus called the Tap Tap to go to the domestic airport. Tap Tap is the most common  method of transportation in Haiti, and it is the only mode of transportation in St. Louis Du Nord. It is basically a pick up truck with wooden benches placed in the back. There is no place to hold on and you basically bump against each other until destination. Of course, there is very little paved road in Haiti, so the entire ride gets very bumpy and everyone ends up with very bruised hips. After a ride on the Tap Tap, you definitely develop a new found appreciation for paved road.

 

Tap Tap used by locals in St. Louis Du Nord

Then we arrived in the domestic airport and we waited for our flight to Port-de-Paix, which is the biggest city in Northwest Haiti. The little plane we took was the most run down little plane I've ever seen in my life, it's hard to believe that something that rusty and old can still fly. The plane is not pressurized and it fits about 20 people. One of my teammates told me a story about how the window fell in the last time she was on that plane, so she had to hold the window in place the entire ride... What a wonderful story to hear right before getting on the plane eh? =) Anyways, you think I'd be a bit nervous stepping on a plane like this, but I was so tired from getting up at 3 am that morning that I passed right out. When I woke up, we've already safely landed in Port-de-Paix. My teammates had many stories regarding that plane ride and the turbulence we experienced, I slept through everything, I guess this is what they call "ignorance is bliss". 

Then we took another Tap Tap from Port-de-Paix to a city called St. Louis Du Nord, which is about 45 minutes away. This is where the missionary campus is build around 35 years ago. The reason missionaries decided to build the campus in St. Louis du Nord 35 years ago is because it is the poorest city in Haiti. Since Haiti is the poorest country in the Western hemisphere, St. Louis du Nord is the poorest city in the Western hemisphere. As we sat in the Tap Tap heading to the campus, we had a really good initial look of the city. The appearance of St. Louis du Nord shocked me to my very core. My first thought was, I can't believe people actually live in this condition. My second thought was, I can't believe I have to live in this condition for two weeks...  All I could see was piles of rubbles, whirlwind of dust, and ditches and sewage water everywhere. I think for the entire day I was just in utter shock over the condition of the city. 

Street view of St. Louis du Nord

But as I spent more time in St. Louis du Nord, I began to see beyond the despair, destruction, and chaos of the city. I began to see the beauty of the country and the beauty of the people. Haiti has the most beautiful coastline. It is surrounded by the breathtakingly blue and clear Caribbean sea. We had a few opportunities to ride the Tap Tap along the coastline, and it was probably the most scenic route I've ever been on. It was impossible to capture the beauty of the coastline on camera, I tried, but the picture just doesn't do the city justice.

The beautiful coastline of St. Louis du Nord

As for the people in Haiti, they are the most friendly, pure, innocent people I've ever met. Their sense of community is so strong, and their selflessness and willingness to share absolutely amazes me. I especially fell in love with the kids in Haiti. I have so many beautiful stories to share, as I continue with my blogging about Haiti, these stories will surface gradually.

We finally arrived on campus in the late afternoon. The campus is composed of quite a mixture of things. Aside from the dormitories for the missionaries, there is an orphanage for kids under five years old, a center for kids with disabilities, a birthing center, a medical area including recovery rooms and operating rooms, an elderly home, and a cholera center. Right across from the campus, there is the church and the vacation bible school. Then not too far from the campus is the orphanage for kids five years and older.

I think I'm going to end part 1 of Haiti blog quite abruptly right here because I don't want to start telling stories yet, otherwise this post will run way too long. I do however, want to end this blog with one of my favorite Haitian proverb,

Neg di san fe; Bondye fe sandi
Man talks without doing; God does without talking.

I've experienced "God's doing" so vividly in Haiti, so many stories to tell...our God is an awesome living God!

A year older and a year wiser? :D

Cakes and birthday dinners later, I have turned a year older. Some people say, one year older and one year wiser. Not in my case, I really don't feel any wiser, but I do feel like I've gotten more life experiences under my belt.

How does it feel turning 27? I have to admit, I was totally dreading it. I wasn't apprehending it because I feared getting older, nooo, I was apprehending it because I felt like I didn't hit some of the milestones I needed to hit when I'm 27. I'm not going to bore you with the details, but it just felt like I didn't achieve some of the things I'm expected to achieve by the time I'm 27. Then one day, I had one of those "eureka moment". It was the moment when I questioned, who set these darn milestones anyways? I mean, is it me or society? And by society, I meant my parents, :P Anyways, it occurred to me that it actually didn't matter that much to me that these milestones weren't hit, but I felt like I'm expected to hit them. The truth is, I am so thankful for my life. I feel like I am at the place I wanted to be at age 27. I am surrounded by such wonderful family and friends. I have the opportunities to do the things I am passionate about. I am loved and supported by people all around me, people who accept me regardless of my weaknesses and mistakes. Finally, I have the true God who loves me unconditionally.

Now a little reflection on last year. There is no doubt that the 26th year of my life was a tough year. It was probably the most eventful year of my life so far. There were quite a bit of ups and downs to say the least, many losses, many gains, many laughters, many tears... at the same time, it was the year I grew the most both emotionally and spiritually. I celebrated my 26th birthday with a bang. It just happened to be during my very first mission trip. It was wonderful celebrating it with my new friends and team mates. It was the start of beautiful friendships that hopefully will last a lifetime. It was also wonderful to be able to start my 26th year doing something I'm passionate about, being a part of something I felt called to be a part of. We were a team with one purpose, to share Jesus's love with others. At the same time, we were a team held together by His love. There is no friendship like the friendships built during a mission trip because of all the emotions we've experienced together. I am so thankful for this whole experience and for the people who were part of this adventure with me.

Anyways, I knew the 26th year would be exciting from the start, I just didn't know it would be this exciting. Many times throughout the year I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride, I was being pulled up and down, left and  right, yanked in all directions. But God was like that safety belt on the roller coaster, even though I was being tossed all around, He had kept me safe and sound. Through all the roller coaster actions, I've learned many lessons, reflected on many of my mistakes, and grew exponentially in my faith. For this I am so thankful. As I pray about the 27th year of my life, I am reminded of one verse.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Now five cakes later, I am officially 27! And I can honestly say, I am happy and proud to be a year older. To all the people in my life, old friends and new friends, I am so blessed to be on this life journey with you. Here to another year of learning, growth, adventures, peace, and indescribable joy together!

Never good enough?

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough? Well, yesterday was one of those days for me. Yesterday, the most important person in my life said some things to me that broke my heart. I've never felt like a bigger disappointment than how I felt yesterday. It felt like no matter how hard I try, it's just not good enough. It's funny people in our life always have the power to make us feel bad about ourselves. It is often the people we care about the most. Sometimes their comments are intentional, other times they are unintentional. But either way, their comments make us feel small and unworthy. Why is it that other people's comment can have such a profound effect on how we feel about ourselves? Because often our self worth is too based on what people say and how they feel about us.

As I kneel down before God and prayed in tears yesterday, God reminded me that no matter how worthless people around us may make us feel, we are worthy and valuable in His eyes. In fact, He cares about us so much that He sent His son to die for us. It's not that we've done something absolutely wonderful to deserve this grace, but it's because God loved us so very deeply. The truth of the matter is, the true authority on our self worth is God, and He sent His beloved Son to die for us, doesn't that tell us just how much we are worth? 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Guilt...

Recently I've been overwhelmed with guilt regarding my recent mistakes and the pain I've caused. I wonder if the decisions I've made were the right decisions. If they were the right decisions, then why is everyone affected by the decisions unhappy? I feel like I had two path laid out in front of me, I picked one path with good intentions, I thought it was a path that would make everyone happy in the long run, but the truth is, right now, no one is happy. I can't help but wonder what I was suppose to do. I'm not regretting the decisions I've made, but I am confused and frustrated by the whole situation. And I am feeling burdened by the pain I've caused. I wish I could just bear all the pain, I just want the people I care about to be happy. It pains me so much watching people I love hurting. It's times like this I feel so helpless, the only thing I can do is kneel in front of God and pray. I pray for joy, for clarity, and for peace to be with the people I care about. I pray that God will lead them to still water and allow them to find peace in Him.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul..." Psalm 23:1-3

If I could turn back time, I wish I had taken more time praying and listening to God. I wonder if I took more time waiting for God, maybe things would have turned out differently, maybe less people would be hurting. When I made my decisions, I could only see two paths, I wonder if there is a secret path I could have taken, but because I didn't wait upon the Lord, I couldn't see the path. A lot of times I kneel down and I pray, but I don't have enough patience to listen to what He has to say. Or I've already made up my mind that I'm not even open to what He has to say. David talked about waiting for the Lord 18 times in Psalms, that's a lot of waiting. But because David waited, God guided him through all the up and downs, through all the sorrows and despair, through all the trials of life... Did David question why God allowed him to experience all these pain and frustration? Yes he did, but what did David say in the end? He said:

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning." Psalm 130:5-6

Goodbye 2010 and Hello 2011!

Only one week until the new year, I wanted to take this opportunity to write a little reflection on 2010. 2010 has been an eventful year, to say the least. I've made a few life altering decisions this year, I've reached a few milestones in life, I've experienced emotions I've never experienced before, and I've made quite a few mistakes that caused pain to people I care about. If you ask me, if I had a chance to do things differently, would I? I would say yes, there are definitely certain things I wish I did differently. But if you ask me if I have any regrets, I would say no. I think everything that happened happened for a reason. I think over time we can begin to see a fraction of why things happened the way they did. We've all made mistakes in our life, we've all said and done things we wish we could take back. Unfortunately, we can't take these back. So all we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to make amends. Then we need to look ahead. If we focus our energy on what's in the past, then we can never move forward. Paul said to the church of Philippians,

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Here Paul reminded us that we need to forget what was in the past, and push forward to what's ahead. There are still many more trials to be experienced, more mistakes to be made, more learning to be done. But there is a prize at the end of the path and we need to keep our eyes on that.

2010 has also been a year of tears. I've shed more tears in 2010 than in my life combined. I've used up countless packages of Kleenex, soaked many pillowcases...there were days where the tears would just stream down my face continuously like an open faucet. They were tears of sorrow, tears of joy, tears of repentance, tear of pain... King David once said that God knows all our upsets and He keep our tears in a bottle. I can't help but wonder how many bottles I've filled up this year.

"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" Psalm 56:8

Although 2010 has been a stormy year, but it is through the storms that I've grown stronger. It is through the storms that I learned to lean on God. I've experienced His presence with me so clearly through my up and downs this year; and I've learned that He alone can comfort my heart and in Him alone I can find peace. It is in 2010 that I've grown so much closer to the Lord and for that I am grateful.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29.

Finally, 2010 has been a year of thanksgiving. When I look around me, I am so thankful for the wonderful people God has surrounded me with, I am thankful a job that I am passionate about, I am thankful for my health, I am thankful for a God that loves me more than I could ever imagine...

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38-39

Nightshift Street Ministries

I heard of Nightshift Street Ministries a while ago from MC, and few nights ago, I finally had a chance to join her in this ministry. It was a great experience and I wanted to take this opportunity to share with you a little bit about this ministry. Nightshift Street Ministries is is a front line ministry that serves the people on the street of Surrey. Multiple churches in Surrey come together and they take turns providing drinks, hot food, pastries, clothing, blankets, and etc to homeless people every night. It's similar to the soup kitchen I volunteer at in some ways, but different in other ways. 

What amazed me the most about this ministry is its effort in building relationship with the people they serve. The volunteers often know the clients by name and they have genuine conversation about how they are doing. There is a real sense of community forming and relationship building. The goal of the organization is not just to provide for the physical needs of the people, but to also to provide for the spiritual need and to build relationships. One of the volunteer said to me, "it's not the food that keeps them coming back, it's the friendship". This really got me thinking. In the past, I've always been focused on the physical need of people. It is true the physical need such as hunger is important, without filling it people can't focus on anything else. At the same time, after fulfilling that need, what's next? It's more clear to me now that the next step is to fill that emotional and relational void. In many ways, the emotional and relational need is more important than physical need. I mean how many of us going out for dinner with a friend because of the food? Are we there for the food or are we there because we want to spend time with the person with are eating with? I think the majority of us would agree the time spent with friend is far more important than the food we eat. I think this is the goal of the ministry, to provide for the physical need of people, but also to to form friendships and community.I am so thankful that I had an opportunity to take part in this ministry.

"...I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40

broken me, wholesome Him

Ever since my trial, many people have asked me why I've been so hard on myself. They asked why I'm so focused on what I did wrong and what I need to change. Everything that happened is not just my fault, but it's a combination of a lot of things. I agree with this, but at the same time, I can't control what anyone else does, I can only control what I do. I can control how I feel about the situation, whether I choose to hold a grudge or to learn from it, whether I choose to think negative things or positive things regarding this whole situation...Instead of focusing on what I've lost, I rather this whole experience be a constructive experience, I rather focus on what I've gain, because if God allowed the trial to happen, then He is shaping me through the trial to become a better person.

Lately though, I've been feeling like a broken vessel with many cracks. As I rediscover myself and reflect, I keep discovering new cracks as I try to seal the old ones; it just feel like a never-ending job. Sometimes I wonder with so many wounds, how will God ever use me? Then He reminded me that it is the broken vessels He uses, not the perfect ones. Throughout the bible, none of the people God used greatly were perfect. God used Moses, who murdered someone and run off to the wild to hide; He used David, who send Uriah the Hittite to the front line to die so that he could marry Uriah's wife, then God used Peter, who had anger issues and he denied Jesus three times...All these people are far from perfect, yet God used each one of them for His kingdom. David wrote in Psalm,

"I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel." Psalm 31:12

David described himself as a broken vessel, forgotten by everyone, seemingly useless, but God remembered him and used him nonetheless. This is exactly what we are, although we are broken potteries with many weaknesses, but God can use each one of us to our full potential. Even a broken vessel can be used to scoop water, so can we be used by God. 

Paul reminded us in 2 Corinthians that it's a good thing that we have weakness and we are broken because only when we are broken, God's light can shine through. When we are not broken, we are a vessel that's so full of ourselves that nothing else can fit. Only when there are cracks and things inside drains out, then God can fit in and His light can shine through the cracks. 

"But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Finally, I wanted to share this song with you. We've all made choices we regret and we've all made mistakes in our past. We all have imperfections we are working on. There are times when we feel like we are such failures. This is a great song that remind us that we are so much more than our mistakes and our imperfections. We are remade in God. 

you are more - Tenth Avenue North

sympathy vs. empathy

I've learned recently the difference between sympathy and empathy. Often in life, we use these two words interchangeably, but there is quite a difference between the two. Sympathy is when we feel sorry or pity for the person, but we don't quite understand what they are feeling. Empathy is when we actually understand how the person feels.

I think often in life we sympathize with people, but it is very difficult to empathize with their situation. We've all had the experience of hearing someone sharing about something they are going through, we are listening intently and trying to understand how they feel, but it's hard because we've never experience it ourselves. In these situations, we don't know what to say or do. In the end all we can do is pray for them. But sometimes even that is hard; we don't even know how to pray for the person because we don't truly understand they pain they feel. Often, only when we've been through the same situation we know how to react and how to comfort.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I think sometimes God allows trials to happen because we can develop not just sympathy, but empathy. He wants us to experience different situations and different emotions in life so we can relate and comfort each other. Of course God is the ultimate comforter, but sometimes I think He uses us as well to provide support and to console each other.

Recently, God has put quite a few people in my life who are going through the same trial I went through. Listening to their stories and hearing about their pain, I can truly say that I understand because I went through the same emotions and the same frustrations. I've experienced the same pain and I've had the same doubts. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians,

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I couldn't agreed with this more. God was my stronghold and He really carried me through the storm. Now as the storm calms in my life, I feel so blessed that I can share my experience and the lessons I've learned with my friends who are going through the same trial. I'm glad that I can be there for them and that I can be that spiritual support. Now I can not only sympathize in this situation, I can empathize.

Although my own trial is nowhere near over, the emotions and the pain still lingers, but I know the healing has began for me and it's a wonderful feeling. As my morning begin to roll around, I am glad that I can give my friends the hope that the pain will disappear, the darkness will fade away and the morning will come.

Retro-respective

Two weeks ago from today was the first day since the mid September that I woke up feeling like the storm is finally over. I finally felt like I could begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was two weeks ago from today that the healing began.

 
As I look back on this trial, I am just so thankful for all the events that took place, for my mentors and my spiritual supports, for my growth and learning...but most of all, I am thankful for God for carrying me through this trial because a lot of times it was not me holding onto Him, it's Him holding onto me. Every time when I was close to giving up, it was God who gave me the strength to continue on. 

Someone once said to me: God promises a safe landing, but not necessarily a calm passage. I think this rings some truth. We've all experienced many trials and tribulations in life. We've also all had the experience of questioning why God allows these trials to happen to us. Many people have blogged about this already, I might as well add my two cents in. I think going through life is like swimming in the ocean. When the water is nice and calm, we can just float. Although floating is okay, but we don't develop any strength or stamina when we are just floating. But when the water is rough, that's when we are forced to swim. It is only when we are swimming that our strength, endurance, and stamina improves. This is the same in life. God allows trials to happen because it is only through trials our characters can develop and learning can take place.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 

In other words, it is through trials that we can learn and become more like Him.

Now using my swimming example again, when the water is nice and calm, we just rely on ourselves and float away. We have no fear and we are content. But when the water is rough, it is then we are scared and we search and try to grab onto something. It is the same with trials in life. When things are going well in life, we become complacent and we start to rely on ourselves. But when trials occur, that when we learn to lean on God. It is during trials that we realize that our own strength is not enough and we seek help from God. David is a great example for this. During each of the trials he faced, he cried out to God and sought God for strength. In many of the psalms he wrote, he described God as his stronghold and his rock.

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

So what does this mean for those who are going through trials right now? It means we need to be like David and grab onto God. We can find strength in Him.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

We can also find some peace in knowing that our trials are for a good purpose and it is pale in comparison to the joy and glory that is to come.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." 2 Corinthians 4:17

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

Metal hearts

A good friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend and she is hurting a lot. She asked me the other day, "why is this happening to me, why did God allow this to happen?" I had no answer to this, in fact, this is something I've been wondering as well. I think we all have our fantasy of meeting that special someone, fall in love, get married, then grow old together. We often think that it just happens once, when we see that person, we'll just know he or she is the one. Recently, I've realized that this is quite a gullible view of relationship. Although I believe that God has a perfect person for each one of us, I no longer think it occurs just like that.

I think two people in a relationship are like two halves in a metal heart key chain like the one pictured above. Both parts have jagged edges, but they somehow fit perfectly together to form one perfect heart. However, in order to made that metal half heart into that particular shape, it takes a lot of time and effort. It takes melting, sawing, sanding, and bending to create that perfect shape. This is the same for us. In order to fit with person God has for us, God needs to first shape us into that person we need to be. And how does He shape us? He shapes us by allowing us to go through trials so we can learn and grow. It is through these painful trials that we slowly becoming closer to the shape of that half metal heart. Note that both pieces of the heart are not perfect, they all have jagged edges, yet somehow they just fit with each other. This is the same with us, we will never reach a point of perfection. But our jagged edge will somehow fit with the person God has for us, and we will learn and be able to accept the other person's imperfections. In other words, we will be able to absorb eachother's jagged edges. 

This is why I don't think we should regret any relationship we've been in because it is through these relationships we become who we are today. Although when the relationship ends and we've lost something so important to us, we've also gained so much in return. So please never give up on finding love, because each time we fail, we've learned and we've grown, and we are one step closer to becoming that jagged, yet fitting half metal heart.

So what does this mean for those who are going through a heartbreak right now? It means we have to fix our gazes on Him and trust that He has a better plan for us.

"I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways. I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your words" Psalm 119:15-16

And what are God's promises? He promised that He will be with us as we go through this painful trial.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

He also promised healing. Although it's hard to see it right now, but over time, the wound will be begin to heal and a scar will form.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 

Passion World Tour!

Passion World Tour in Vancouver took place this past Friday! I was super excited about this tour because it brought such a revival in my heart in 2008 and I knew it would do the same for me this year. I've been telling everyone about this, I guess you could say I was passionate for Passion. :P

 This year the world tour took place in seven countries, Kyiv Russia, London England, Hong Kong, Manilla Philippians, Sao Paulo Brazil, Tokyo Japan, and of course, Vancouver Canada. The motto for the tour is: A generation united for the name of Jesus. In Vancouver this year, there were 10,900 people + 300 volunteers in Rogers Arena worshiping God together!

You can't tell from the picture how crowded it was, but it was fully packed!

Not only was it a night of praise and worship, it was a night of a powerful message as well. Let me try to illustrate the pastor message. Imagine you are watching a movie, and the camera is focus on the main character. This main character is amazing, he is the typical hero, a protagonist. Now imagine while the camera is focus on the main character, and there is this extra on the show that keeps trying to get into the frame shot.

In some ways, this is exactly how our life is like. If you think of this whole world as a movie, God is the central character. He is the creator of all things, so of course He is our hero, and this movie is about Him. We are like extras in His movie. And as people, we all have the tendency of placing ourselves in the center. It's should be about me me me. We want to be in the main shot, we want the glory, we want the praises. But really, in reality, God is the center. When we try to make ourselves more important, we are like the extras in the movie that keeps getting in the way or interrupting the film. It is obvious who the focus really is, but we just keep trying to steal the thunder. We need to remember that we are here to take part in something big, but we are not the creator of that. God doesn't need us to complete His will, but He wants us to partake in it. In other words, He doesn't need us in the film, but He wants us to be in the spot light with Him. So we need to learn to get go of our own will and obey God. We need to invite God to sit on the throne of our life.

Happiness is a choice

When I was at the soup kitchen the other night volunteering, the pastor showed a video about choice. This video was a talk given by a Christian writer whose books sold millions of copies. In the video, the elderly speaker told a story of a homeless man. This homeless man was wondering down the street one day and he was just miserable. He had lost his wife, his daughter, his job, his house, his reputation...He saw through the window of a pawn shop a gun on sale for $29. He reached into his pocket and he found 3 ten dollar bills. So he said, here is the answer to all my problems, I could just end all this misery right now. Then the speaker said: "I'm glad I didn't buy that gun, otherwise I wouldn't be standing here today". Instead, he used that $30 to buy a typewriter, and it is with that typewriter that he wrote his bestsellers. Then the speaker ended his talk reminding the audience that life is about choices, you can choose to live or to die.

This video got me thinking about choices in life. Although God is a sovereign god, He gives us choices in life.

 "Furthermore, tell the people, 'This is what the LORD says: See, I am setting before you the way of life and the way of death." Jeremiah 21:8

Note that He doesn't make us choose one particular way, He sets the options before us so we could select it ourselves. He just gives us the information to make informed choices. I don't think this concept of choice applies to just life and death, it also applies to other choices we make in life as well. God makes it clear what He wants us to do in different situations, but what we choose to do is dependent on us.

This was a great message for me because recently I've been praying for joy as I go through my difficulties. But it seems like my prayer has not been answered. I haven't had much joy and I was getting more and more frustrated. This message was a slap in the face for me because I realized that I haven't had joy not because God haven't given it to me, but it's because I didn't choose to have joy. David reminded us that God is a giver of joy.

"You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound." Psalm 4:7

Here is God willingly putting joy in my heart, but here I am choosing to do certain things or think things that makes me sad. I've said to my friends that I feel like I'm going in circles with my emotions. Some days are good, but it always feels like I'm ending up where I started, at the emotional low point. Although I'm going in bigger circles as time goes on, but I'm always returning to the starting point. Now God has reminded me that I don't need to go in circles, I can actually step out of the circle and go in a straight line! All I need to do is to choose to step out of the circle, to choose to be happy, then I can rejoice with indescribable joy.

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Tough days...

As I go through my trials, some days are harder than others. Some days it just feels like I'm going in circles, I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days it just feels like the pain is more than what I can bear. Then I cry out to the Lord, and He reminds me of His power to heal.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3

 Then when I'm on the verge of giving up, I have to remind myself of God's promises. For He said:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 

I just have to trust that things will get better and the suffering will go away. I have to trust that God is healing my heart. Right now, it is not me holding onto God, it is Him holding onto me.

I'm just waiting for the morning to come, for the darkness to fade...

Tenth Avenue North - Hold My Heart