Who are you?

I was at a women's conference few days ago hosted by an organization called Living Water. It was quite an awesome and powerful conference, I've learned and experienced a lot. I want to take this opportunity to share with you some of the things I learned.

One of the speakers shared with us about her experience in various relationships. She said she had one relationship after another because she was afraid of being lonely and she didn't have a sense of who she was. She was like a chameleon, she just adapted into the person her boyfriend at the time wanted her to be. That was the only way she could define herself, through relationships with her boyfriends. It never occurred to her that she was doing this until she went for a beauty pageant tryout, the judges asked her what her interests were. She stood there in silence gasping for air because she didn't know. Her interest has always been defined by the interests of her boyfriends, and during that time she didn't have a boyfriend, so she didn't have any answers for the judges. That was the wake up call for the speaker.

The reason I wanted to share this is because I think everyone in a relationship is capable of making this mistake. In fact, I think we've all done this. Maybe not to the same extend as the speaker, but we've all lost a part of ourselves by bending in a certain way for the person we care about. Sometimes in relationships we can lose a sense of who we are and what we are about. I myself  have been guilty of this. I've cared about someone so much that I've completely lost track of who I was and how I defined myself. No one forced me to make these changes, but I myself choose to make those changes subconsciously. It's only in retrospective that I realized I've done this. Then I reflect back on the relationship and I simply can't believe some of things I've said or done, especially some of the decisions I've made.

Now on the other hand, is it so bad to change ourselves for the person we care about? I don't think it's a bad thing at all. There is nothing wrong with trying to pick up the same interest or trying to change our bad habits for the person we care about. Change can be a positive thing. What I do think is important is that the changes occur on both sides of the relationship, not just one side. What I see too often is a lopsided relationship where one person is changing him or herself completely and the other side is not changing at all. It's like two pieces of a puzzle, instead of both parties changing to fit with each other, one side is changing himself or herself too much for the sake of the other. Then when the relationship end, the party that changed too much can lose a sense of who they are because they had let their relationship define everything that they are. So when the relationship ends, they feel simply feel lost.

That's why I think the time when we are single is a really important time. In our society, it's tough being single. Especially when we reach a certain age, our society expects us to be in a relationship. But during our single time, it's a great time for self discovery. It's the time we can take off our mask and be the person that we are. It's a time to question, what are my passions? What are my dreams? What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses? What pushes my buttons? It's a great time to reflect on who we are and what makes us, well, us.

Now, here is the amazing thing. Our God always sees who we are. He doesn't just see the mask we put on or who we pretend to be, He looks pass all that and He sees us for who we truly are. Even when we are lost and we don't even know what we are about, God knows exactly who we are. In Genesis 16 is the story between Abram, Sarai, and Hagar. Abram's wife Sarai couldn't conceive, so she gave her slave Hagar to Abram. Abram slept with Hagar and Hagar became pregnant. After conceiving, Hagar started to despise Sarai. So Sarai became mad and started to mistreat Hagar, then Hagar fled from Sarai in fear. God spoke to Hagar as she escaped from Sarai and God comforted her. (Genesis 16: 3-12) Hagar then named God El-Roi, the God who sees me.

"She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: 'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.'" Genesis 16:13

God saw Hagar in her time of need. God also saw Hagar for who she was. In the entire chapter of Genesis 16, neither Abram nor Sarai addressed Hagar by her name. But when Hagar was on the run, God called her by her name. God knew Hagar's name and He comforted her. He didn't just see her righteousness or her wrongdoings, He saw her for who she was. Hagar knew she wasn't invisible to God, God saw her for everything that she was, hence, she named God El-Roi. This is the same for us, we are not just one of countless faces in the crowd, God sees each one of us for who we are. So for those of us who has lost a part of who we are when we were in a relationship, and we are working on redefining ourselves, God knows exactly who we are and He loves us for everything that we are. Remember, the God who sees Hagar is the same God who sees each one of us.

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father--and I lay down my life for the sheep." John 10:14-15